Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
