I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
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