So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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