Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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