I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
