remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
