mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
