I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
