I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
