At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Randomize
