My hand turned me down
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
