im about as happy as oj after his trial
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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