One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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