you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
