I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Randomize
