I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
