She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
