guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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