I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Randomize
