I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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