So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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