remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
