My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
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