Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
