Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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