I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
