My Higher Power is John Stamos
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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