I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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