Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize
