I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Randomize
