I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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