Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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