im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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