It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
