I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
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