Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Why are your pants in the freezer?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
