I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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