Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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