I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
