her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
