I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i think i have two assholes
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Randomize
