If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
