Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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