dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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