Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
