Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
