be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
