Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
