bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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