Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
