who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
