i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
