I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
