I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Randomize
