I'm lost and stupid without you.
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Randomize
